Not the true me

Over the past year and a half, I became someone I am not.   Someone that does things that are not me.  You are probably thinking, but if you did them they are you, just a you that you didn’t know.

I really hope that is not the case. I regret things I did.  I wish I had communicated better.  I wish I had acted more adult.  I didn’t, I was selfish, childish and ridiculous.  I did things to get attention.  I said i wouldn’t do those things anymore.  I didn’t get the attention, I did them again.    So now I can add liar to the list.

Sigh.

Last July, I met a man.  A sexy, smart, strong, caring man. We text.  We met. He made me dinner.   Wow what a first kiss.
He works a lot.  I asked vague questions.  I didn’t think he wanted me.

I said he didn’t have time for me.   Weeks went by, I saw a pic of him with a female.  I got jealous.  I reached out again.  Tried again. Tried subtle again. Fucked around with other guys.  Said I would stop.  Said I wanted him.  I did/do want him.  Just ask the butterflies.

15 months, 20 guys, an ex-girlfriend (him not me) and several chances and I still want him.   I want him more than before.  I can make every excuse for why I did what I did but it doesn’t take back what I did.  I screwed up.  I was selfish and childish.  I hurt him.  Repeatedly.

He was over the other night.   We were sitting there talking about work and life, not about us. Never about us.   I was sitting behind him rubbing his back and laying on him. I didn’t want to let go.   I laid my head on his back, arms around him.   Tears started to well.   I fought it.  I screwed up,  I know it.  I don’t deserve another chance but damn we could be something great.

I don’t know how to make it right. I don’t think I can ever make it right. I want to try.  Life is too short.   We have been each others lives this long, there is a reason for it.  I want him in my life. I want him to hang out with my kids. I want to talk about the world. I want to hold him and make him feel loved and happy.

I want to raise him up.

I think I love him!

 

But how do I get him to see that I had a bad time and that stretch wasn’t the true me??

It isn’t for the sex it is for the attention

It has been a long time since I have written.  I really need to write more, it helps.

I have been divorced for almost 18 months.  I am single, have yet to have 1 boyfriend in that time.

The guy that I could have had as a boyfriend, well we never were on the same page.   He is so busy with work and I was always so in need of attention that i got with other guys.  This was a pattern for over a year. But be sure to take out the few months he had a girlfriend and still talked to and saw me.

We are in a bad place.   We both want each other.  Only I can really communicate.   I begged him for help to not continue meeting and sleeping with random dudes I met online.  I worked for about 3 weeks then he was talking to me less and less.   And that is never a good thing.

I was doing good focusing on him and me and the kids. I found the entertainment and attention on Whisper which is pretty safe and just talking. No meeting or anything.

Then things with him got more and more off. Less talking, from him.  I gave him a huge text stating my feelings.  And that if I didn’t hear anything fromhim about his feelings, i was done.
a day later he responds and tells me that i am starting my bullshit again. and he is have a really shitty month. I said ok, all you had to do was tell me you need time, things were bad. bear with me.   Well he didn’t respond, i did, “guess that is my answer” at this point there are few back and forths pretty much how i need something from him and he wont give it to me and he is having a bad month.

I get mad and hurt.  I download Tinder for attention, since usually there is lots of judging (i find this entertaining) and a if lucky a conversation. Never anything more.

I talk to a guy. He convinces me to meet.  I insist on doing it in public.  We meet at a bowling alley.  We bowl.  We watch karaoke.  We leave.  He is ok.   Entertaining.  Not really all that attracted to him.  He invites me over for a drink. I pass.  I suggest my place. Because I, don’t know how to just end things.

We go to my house.  We lay on the couch and put on a movie.  Me in my panties and a hoodie him in no shirt and just jeans.
we fall asleep.  At some point we get up and he takes me upstairs to my bedroom.  He starts massaging my back.  All clothes are removed. The whole time i am thinking what am i doing. I don’t want this.   He is touching and stuff. He enters me.  FUCK, what the hell am i doing. I dont’ want this. Say something. I can’t. I don’t.   I hate me.  Why do I let this happen?   He stays the night.  Happens again in the morning.    We both leave.

Guy I have feelings and history texts me last night saying he knows i had someone over.   We get into a 3 hour argument about my behavior,  via text.   Feel like shit all night and this morning. I text him.  we have some conversation this afternoon.

I begged and pleaded him fro help.   I still want it.  I don’t know why.   I want him. I still fuck up and see other guys because he doesn’t act like he wants me.   All i want is to be wanted.    For 3 weeks i was good.  Why couldn’t i just stay home?  I was happy to stay home.   What is wrong with me?

Another year

My birthday is on Saturday.  I used to love my birthday. I love attention and presents and ice cream cake.   But like the last few years, I am lonely and sad.

I am sad because at my age I feel like I should have more going for me.  I am turning 39 and I don’t own a home, anymore. I am not married, anymore. I am single, still.   I am not financially set.

I am lonely because I took too long to realize I want to be with the guy I want to be with.  I don’t have many friends and the few i have are busy with their own lives.

I am thankful to have my kids over my birthday weekend.  We are going camping for the 2nd year in a row.  it is close to home but still fun. I am looking forward to it.

It may  be the only thing keeping me close to sanity this week.

I am a mix of sad, lonely and anxious.

As for the guy, he told me recently that he wants to be with me but is scared because of our past. And he still wants his girlfriend, she hasn’t given him any reason to leave her.

I am a mess.

that is all.   Cheers to another year down!!

Cougar, slut, and stubborn

It has been so long since i have written. I helps when i write, but I get sidetracked by life. I don’t even know if i can catch you up right now because i have an issue that i need to get out. Well, i have 2 issues that i need to get out.

Issue #1
I am officially a cougar.
I have been hanging out with a guy for almost 3 months. He is sweet and kind, funny and odd. But he is 14 years my junior. i was skeptical and we talked and both agreed that we knew we weren’t relationship material for each other but said we could still hangout since we have fun together.
It seemed like a good idea. Alas, i sit here stirring about how to end things without hurting his feelings or losing him as a friend. Sadly, i fear at least one if not both is going to happen.

FYI, i am 38 so i am not with someone under age.

I know in my heart and stomach i need to end the dating stuff. But he is so kind and does things for me and i don’t want to hurt him. I remember that he told me we would hang out until i found mr. right.
I haven’t found him, well probably haven’t, but i don’t want him falling for me.
i don’t to lead him on. I don’t want to have to keep trying to teach him how to have sex.

I need to make the adult move and put him in the friend zone. Ugh.

Issue #2
This has been an ongoing issue for a year now.
I met this guy on POF. I have talked about him before. I don’t remember what i referred to him as but we have been going back and forth for almost a year. I take a lot of blame for the shit between us. But he hasn’t helped things. We both have feelings for each other. I know we do.

Let me start by saying i messed up. I liked him but i always felt he didn’t have time for me. In fact, i stopped talking to him a few times because of this.
I should also say, I slept with more than my share of men during the times we were talking and were not talking. I wanted attention, i was just out of a 16 year relationship and i sucked. I hurt him and I tried to hide things but I fessed up to everything. I have tried 2 times this year to get back with him and failed both times. The first time, again, i felt like he didnt make time for me. The second time, he was talking to a girl so i started talking to and continued talked to the young guy. Now here i am. sad and longing for someone i can’t have. Someone that i have known a year. Someone that is dealing with a family loss and needs me now but is more upset by my previous actions.
He is in a relationship with this younger girl, according to facebook. And i am sad. But he still can’t leave me be. i can’t leave me be. We got together on monday. there were moments of sweet that i knew he still cares for me.

I want him in my life. I need him to see i want him. That we are mean to be something for each other. Things don’t drag on this long to not have anything happen.

he is not the greatest of men, he has made his mistakes. He is a caring, loving, determined man that has been through too much shit. I hate that i added to it. I hate that he added to mine. But he never cheated on me like i did him. even though he seemed to enjoy it when i did.

Sigh. I hate feelings. But it feels good to get them out.

Now to formulate my plan to get things over with the other guy.

Thanks for reading.

On the upswing

I promise I will catch you up on the 4 months I wasn’t writing but right now I need to talk about the upswing. The flipping of the switch, The doing better.

For the first time, I am ok spending time along with me.   I am not searching for guys to talk too in my spare time.  I know I have mentioned this before, but it is huge, I have deleted all the dating apps from  my phone. I have disabled the accounts.   I am trying to disconnect from that.   I found that it was mainly used for entertainment.  Sorry guys.   Wait, don’t get me wrong, I want a guy in my life. Someone to have fun with, laugh, hang out, chill, talk to, engage in adult activities with and a good friend.   (for the record I have a part time one, yes I said part time.   He lives approximately a gazillion miles away) ((yes he may read this too)) And since he is may read this I should give him a sweet name.  Hmmmmm… purple guy it is.   Hi purple guy!!   I’ll explain later.

Anyways, I want the guy but I now feel and know that when it comes time to happen it will, the hunting it down is not going to make anything happen.   I will enjoy what I have, and keep improving me.  I joined the YMCA and I must start losing weight, I am terribly over my ok weight.   And I don’t feel good mentally or physically.  I will and have to start exercising and quit stress eating. or boredom eating. or drinking because it is an evening.

Feel free to send over encouragements to work out.    Hugs!!

So, I am learning. Your friends loveshugs is finally growing up. Well only in the good ways, not the crappy boring ways.

I am still seeing my therapist and I make mini goals and she helps me with them.  I am happy to say, I really feel I am on the upswing.

Doesn’t help that the financial issues I was having are getting better due to my tax refund coming in.   Whew.

As for purple guy, he gets that name because my daughter calls him that when she is being a nosy little beast and sees me text him.  The contact picture is him laughing at a bar and there is a weird blue/purple light shining on him, thus purple guy.  What were you thinking, pervs!!!

Thanks for reading!! Hugs!

Tinder, the sickos and the news

As I am scrolling through my newsfeed on Facebook, I pause type something into the search box and forget to hit search.  And I look down at the feed and there is this face. At first it doesn’t look familiar because i can only see the eyes. But I see the name of the person. And then the headline.

Man accused of having sexual contact with a 15 year old girl.

Fuck!

I know that guy.   I met that guy.  During my time of bad decisions, I slept with that guy last summer.

I want to vomit.   I read the story.  He talked to her on Tinder.   Me too.  She said she was 19.  But is 15.  He is married.  Yes, I knew that.   I made bad decisions.

I am slightly devastated that this guy I slept with screwed an underage kid.   Do I know how to pick guys?   There is another guy I know and slept with that is a registered sex offender.  I didn’t know that until after I met and slept with him.  He got in trouble for importuning-sexual motivation.   Another guy with a thing for younger girls.   Fuck.
Seriously, what is wrong with me?

On a happy note, I deleted all the dating, hook up apps from my phone.  been off of them for almost a week.   YAY!!

By the way, the world is becoming a horrible place.  Damn it people.  Be kind, be respectful, be nice.

Hugs!

I like to sleep alone

Just as the title says, I like to sleep alone.

I have been sleeping alone almost every night for about 2 years now and I love it.   I tend to toss and turn throughout the night.  Sleeping alone gives me the freedom to toss around as I please.   I don’t have to share the blanket with anyone, I can lay in the middle of the bed. I love sleeping alone.

I am sure you are thinking that is a good thing.  So many people who are single dwell on how they hate being alone and that they can’t sleep without someone next to them.  There was a time when I couldn’t sleep without my ex being there, but I think that is part of the in love.

Now for the bad side of liking to sleep alone.   There have been a few occasions that I have spent the night with a guy or he has spent the night here. I rarely sleep well at his place.   I sleep a tad better in my bed but still not well.  I am full of anxiety.

What if I fart in my sleep?  I had a guy make fun of me for this at one point and it is stuck in my head.  Yes it is irrational but aren’t a lot of my worries.

What if I am sweaty?  I sleep better when I am warm, add another human who is cuddling you and you get hotter and then I sweat. Ugh, what guy wants a sweaty lady next to him.

What if my alarm doesn’t go off and I am late to work?  So I don’t sleep soundly and keep checking the clock, worrying that it won’t go off.   Then it  goes off, and I am sooooooo very tired.

Sigh.

I look forward to the day I find a boyfriend to have an awesome relationship with and hope that we mesh well in the sleeping arena.  Until then I have my trusty blue body pillow that doesn’t judge or mind me.

How do you sleep?

Hugs!

The Comeback

Hi!

It has been way too long, since I have written.  I miss it and I am starting back up. So call this my comeback!!   This post will be short and sweet but I am using it as my way back to writing.

Catching you up…the short version.

I survived the holidays, met the ex’s new girl friend, went on dates, got used for sex, deleted online dating apps, got bored, downloaded the apps again, talked to a couple guys, dealt with guy drama, dating a guy who lives too far away, deleted dating apps and accounts and decided to write again.

Exciting huh?  I will catch you up soon.

Hugs, loves!!

Loneliness and Time

In April of this year, I moved out of the house I had lived in for about 14 years.   I left the man that I had been with for 16 years. The best friend I ever had.  A loving and caring man. I fell out of love, but still loved him as an important part of my life and father of my children.   In June, my divorce/dissolution was final.  It was pretty easy as divorces go.   It was quick.

When people found out about the divorce they don’t understand.  “You guys always seemed so happy.”  My grandma actually thought there was abuse.   No, we lost the passion and in love feeling. I fell out of love.

Now, I am alone.   I have my kids 45% of the time.   I work full time.  I was working a part time job. It ended.  I have very few friends and I certainly don’t like to bother them with my issues.   I don’t like asking for help or company.

But I am soooooo lonely.  How can i be lonely after only a few months and some sexual encounters?  Well, I have actually been lonely for about 2 years.   I felt so alone in the last year and a half of my marriage.   Now I am still lonely.

Online dating is horrible.   Most of the guys I talk to are just looking for sex no matter how hard they try to convince you that they want more.  On top of all of my issues, my ex had a girlfriend.  The guy that told me he was done with this for a while has a female the he spends time with. that he lets around my kids. That are now Facebook official.
Fark!!

Is this my punishment for falling out of love and hitting a few bumps at the end?

I have a good friend that is a guy and is happily married. I love hearing how he feels about her.   Like a movie without the fiction part.   He told me it is easy for a guy to find a good female.  It is hard for a female to find a good guy.   Sigh.

I am a good looking, funny, smart, easy going, fun loving, awesome woman.   All I want is to find someone similar but in male form.  Tall with dark hair and light eyes is a bonus!!!

I need to start writing more often. This helps!!

Hugs all!!!

Maybe an epiphany?

I spent most of this week on the couch due to what I thought was the flu and turned out to be  a really bad UTI.   I have never been so miserable in my life.  I missed 3 days of work.  3 days, at home with no human contact and barely any human interaction.

Due to this illness, I was forced to be by myself.  At one point on day 2, I was shedding tears because I was in pain and I was alone and I couldn’t find any relief.

I have spent a lot of my time trying not to be alone and here I was sick, and all alone.  I didn’t even have anyone to text to bring  me food.

Being forced to be with just myself was a good thing.  I decided that a few of the guys I am texting, I shouldn’t be and couldn’t care less if i stopped.   I realized that the “I have to find a man” is not doing anything for me.  I am going to go to more of my meet ups.   Hang out with friends, enjoy time with myself  and be a better person.

I don’t know if it was an epiphany or just mid-grade fever messing with my head.

It is Friday night at 9:30 pm. I just ate and watched Grey’s Anatomy.  Earlier I helped a friend go get a used car and bring it back to my place till he can get tags for it.   Had I wanted to hang out with a guy (other than my friend)  I could have.   I chose not to.   I am enjoying my time.   I am enjoying feeling better than I have in days.   I am being me.

Amazing things happen when you get time to sit back and look at stuff.   Also, when you amaze yourself at how strong you actually are.

I am progressing. I am coming along, sometimes slowly, but moving forward.

Hugs!